What this module is about | soundfile
What this module is about | text
Now that you’ve found a way to become grounded and balanced, and I encourage you to do that as often and as much as you need, now that you know who YOU are in this world and how to be yourself and stay yourself, now that you are able to make appropriate and strong choices that do justice to your own unique preferences and true nature, in other words: now that you have been taken care of – by you – and you have ways to ensure that, now, from this safe place where YOU are number one, … …. it is time to look at your relationship with others.
You realise, don’t you, why we can only do that now? Because only when your own safety is in order, can you offer safety to others. You probably try all too often to support others, take care of others and provide for others, while you yourself trudge on and on alone and afraid, tired and exhausted, in a desert of lost dreams and hope, disillusioned and disappointed. So who takes care of you? Only you can do that, dear one, only you. In itself that is really empowering. You taking care of you communicates: ‘I am worthwhile. I am worth it. I am loved.’ And your reality transmits back to you: ‘Yes!’
So you see, the path to true freedom can only run through you. It is all up to you.
In relationships it is so easy to forget who we are. You’ve seen how that works. There are many ways how you can lose the connection with yourself in contacts with others and it is just as easy to lose the connection with others. All our issues come to the fore in our relationships with others. That’s the whole idea. Without others you would not be able to remember or rediscover who you are.
But that is also a pitfall. You’ve taken this ‘exercise’ way too far. You thought, again and again, that you have to relearn the lessons you have had since your childhood. But you don’t have to. You know all about powerlessness and helplessness. You know all about feeling angry and guilty. You know the indignant feeling of being entitled to things and you know what it is to judge. You know what it feels like to be ashamed. You know what it feels like not to be heard and you know what it feels like to be invisible.
You know all that, and still each time you make the choice to go through the whole cycle again: to experience it, to become aware of it, then to gather strength in it, stand up for yourself and stand by you, yourself and ultimately make new choices. Are you aware that you are free to stop this cycle of learning the hard way over and over, at any moment? And that you can simply step out and be different? Make the new choice, once and for all?
Perhaps you didn’t know that. At any rate you have not been trained to get out of these types of situations and patterns and structures. For as long as you can remember, you’ve seen your parents struggle with the same things and perhaps you think: that’s life. But that’s not true. You have the freedom to choose to step away from an energy-guzzling cycle such as this. You have the freedom and the right to make powerful choices for yourself.
That goes for everyone. Other people also have the freedom and right to make powerful choices for themselves. And what is right for them can feel as an attack on you. It could actually be an attack. What if the other person thinks, attacking you at that point, in that situation, is the most powerful and appropriate choice? Or: ignoring you? Or: belittling you? What if you could see that everyone ultimately has just one goal, and that is to be happy. Sometimes someone can feel that the quickest route to achieving that – or at least what contributes most to that right now – is by attacking, belittling or ignoring someone. What if a response like that is not aimed at you personally but was chosen because that person thinks that it will have a positive impact on their life in some way in the short or longer term. It works the other way around, too; you making a powerful choice for yourself can feel as a slight, as indifferent, an attack even, to the other. And yet, yes, we have that right. Completely self-centred? Absolutely! And that’s how it works, for all of us.
What if you stop taking that kind of behaviour personally? What if you allowed others to behave in a way that will, in their mind, bring them the most happiness or the quickest? Even if that means that they act like a jerk towards you? What if you, instead of feeling powerless and helpless, angry and guilty, indignant and judgmental, shameful, not listened to and invisible, what if, instead of all that, you would just…. FEEL YOU. Be yourself, despite everything. That means that you could choose how to deal with the situation or the relationship, completely as your SELF. True to you. Can you imagine what that would mean to you – not suppressing your own emotions, yet becoming truly and genuinely detached from the other person’s emotion and drama
When you want to speak your own truth it’s vital that you keep out of other people’s drama. Otherwise you will end up entangled in a situation in which your voice is lost. And that is unnecessary. By the way, don’t confuse that detachment from other people’s emotion or drama with being heartless or cold-hearted. When you interpret it that way, it becomes a pitfall (because you obviously don’t want to be cold or heartless) and that draws you back into the tangle. Being detached from the issues of other people is a logical and natural consequence of having firm and healthy boundaries. It’s not necessary to judge or to reject it as ‘being unkind’. Quite the contrary – it is precisely when you are detached, that you can be genuinely kind.
Don’t confuse that detachment with what I call ‘The Ivory Tower’ either. When you are walled up in The Ivory Tower, you’re trying to protect yourself from pain by distancing: but what you actually do is break the connection. And that not only happens with the other, but with yourself too, of its own accord. You don’t want to feel your pain and so you break the connection with the big bad world, that horrible place where you experience anguish and hurt. You become slightly detached from all that, safe in your tower where you can oversee everything, make out everything and understand everything. Where you create your own private little world. But there’s one catch: when you’re detached from your real world it’s very, very hard to be supported and nurtured. And therefore to manifest yourself. So that Ivory Tower is a lonely and somewhat barren place. In ‘real life’ it is essential to actually take part and be involved, to live your life to the full. But what you don’t have to do is take on other people’s mess, on top of what is already yours. You have enough to deal with, with yourself!
Another important aspect of interactions and relationships with others is the realisation that ‘the truth’ is rather elusive. You will certainly have been faced with different interpretations, subtleties and tones of how people experience reality. And you probably know the principle: what you focus on becomes ‘bigger’ and the rest becomes ‘smaller’. To sum things up: we all see and experience things differently. We all focus on something else, depending on a whole range of factors and circumstances. We all have different convictions.
Trying to convince someone else of your truth, wanting to make the other person see and understand it, and even wanting the other person to see and understand the same is irrelevant in that light. It is far more important to ask yourself: ‘who am I and what do I want to SHARE about my truth?’ With no hidden agenda. Without wanting something from the other person, such as their power, approval, love or admiration, compassion or sympathy. But simply by sharing your light and love, your vision and your dreams, your perceptions and experiences from your own desire. Not because you have to, but because you want to.
What if others feel all that space in you to then share their story, just like you? Without feeling they have to ‘see things differently’ and without being laden with guilt, shame and judgement about how they see things?
It is so important in contacts with other people, in connecting with other people, to first preserve and guard the connection with yourself. You don’t want to share your truth and your reality with just anyone. It is part of you. People you don’t fully trust or like are not the right people for you to share yourself with. That would be very risky and besides, it wouldn’t be loving to you.
At the same time it’s not a good idea to continue listening to someone who shares his or her truth with you while you are bored silly. Or while it plays to your allergies. Or while it triggers you immensely. That is not loving to you either.
As an adult in charge of him or herself, you are free to make choices. Be deliberate in making those choices. Don’t let someone with who you start ‘a connection’ dictate your life, even if it is only a conversation. Your life is a reflection to you – it serves you, not the other way round. In time, as a result of your strong and appropriate choices, you will attract more and more people who you LOVE talking to! Exactly in line with your preferences and true nature. Exactly in line with you.
GOALS OF THIS MODULE
• You know how to speak your truth without breaking the connection
• Soon you won’t have to bite back your own truth
• But neither will you ever have to share anything again you don’t really want to share
• You consciously choose relationships that make you happy
• And that uphold your preferences and true nature
• Interactions and relationships with others give you energy instead of draining it
• You are truly in connection with yourself, the other person and the world around you
• So that you can live freely without fear of losing yourself
To achieve the goals of this module, it is important to highlight the following three areas.
1. CORE BELIEFS
Firstly we will look at how your views were formed during childhood. It is important for you to find out which of the ‘truths’ that you picked up along the way no longer work for you. Because those are the beliefs you want to free yourself from and the ones you don’t want to enforce by communicating them. That is easier said than done. Some of these beliefs are deeply entrenched and ‘sticky’ and will draw you back in if you don’t break them. They are like structures in your system, sending out their message even if that message has long been obsolete. The structures a belief consists of can be broken and transformed into light: you will learn how to do that. Once that has happened, you will be able to choose what is true for you, at this moment. You will then learn to build that ‘new’ truth into a new structure. (By the way, at some point you might want to break that one down again too and replace it – and you will be able to!)
2. SPEAKING FROM THE HEART
Once you know what your beliefs and truths are, you will learn how to share them without needing or having to. The way to do that is from the heart. Once you know how to communicate from the heart, all your conversations will be different. Communicating without needing to be heard or to convince is incredibly liberating and loving, to yourself and to the other person – no matter what that other person goes on to do.
3. THE HOOK
Lastly, there is a little trick you can learn. For a very long time, you have lived and responded to other people’s truths and you have never been trained how to stay out of ‘their drama’. To help you with that, I will teach you everything about what I refer to as ‘The Hook’.
Imagine that someone throws out an energetic line with an energetic little hook, and you catch it and allow it to hook into you, throwing out your own line with a hook towards them in the process. Between the two of you, you then stitch together an energetic structure. In repeatedly catching and throwing out lines with tiny hooks that both of you allow to sink in, you create, enforce and preserve this energetic structure, with the lines acting as paths across which your interaction flows. Behaviour, emotions, and even physical reactions and responses become ‘pre-determined’. Even when they are no longer what you want, need or consciously choose. This structure makes you respond automatically in a certain way, sometimes without you even realizing it until it’s too late. Or worse: it can feel like being trapped in a web. Knowing how The Hook works – how you can undo it, how to dissolve the structure, how to stay ‘unhooked’ – is really incredibly helpful in speaking your own truth in alignment with who you are, now.
Core beliefs | part 1
About Core beliefs | soundfile
About Core beliefs | text
How we behave and what we feel is based on what we believe. Let me give you a very simple example. If I believe that water falling down on me is irritating and distressing, I will be in a bad mood if it rains when I have to go outside. I will hunch up, feel tense and perhaps feel annoyed and uncomfortable. Whereas if I believe that water falling down on me is wonderful, a great opportunity for me to connect with the element water, a way to experience life, I will feel happy and blessed if it rains when I have to go outside. I will laugh, spread my arms out and turn my face to the heavens. That is an example of two totally different perspectives that can be taken of one and the same situation – rain – illustrating how important your perception is: the importance of what ‘truth’ is to you.
Imagine, someone is sitting in the backseat of a moving car throwing a ball up in the air and catching it again. Up and down in his hand. Up and down. Vertically, not horizontally. That is how you perceive it if you’re sitting next to this person. But if you’re standing outside, in the street, the ball will make large curves. It moves both vertically and horizontally, because the car itself is moving horizontally. If you’re hanging above the car and moving along with it, you will see the ball getting larger or smaller, because it is moving up (closer) towards you and down (further away) from you. So what you see, depends on where you are. There is no right or wrong, there only IS: your perception is determined by the perspective you take.
If you now look at your life, at all the beliefs and ‘truths’ you’ve picked up along the way, you can choose in this moment what you still want to believe and what you don’t anymore. Don’t judge, but only ask yourself the question “What do I want? What are my preferences in this?”
The workbook has a number of assignments to help you with this.
Your preference or the perspective you take is determined by an interconnected structure of all sorts of beliefs, emotions, loyalties, habits and customs. Once you are aware of that structure, you will be able to break it down. Then you can choose another perspective based on another structure that now fits you better. I will guide you through a short process in which you will step out of an existing structure and break it down. You will then have the space in yourself to build a new structure based on who you are now and what you believe in now.
The clip ‘Clearing yourself from energies that are not yours’ from Module 1 can also be helpful with this. You can repeat all the exercises in the sound file, with the aim of removing old structures – the ones you copied from other people for example – from your space that no longer fit.
Worksheet | 11
This worksheet is about what your truths are and about the question, do you still want them? Whatever you decide, the next step is to break the beliefs you no longer want to carry with you, so today you will discover which you want to keep and which to leave behind.
Core beliefs | part 2
Core Beliefs part 2 | text
Today is a big day for you, as a courageous seeker of inner truth. A salute to you.
Today with the help of the sound file you will break down a belief structure and build a new one. A new one from who you are now, at this moment. During the sound file, use the three realities that you found using worksheet 11, the three you no longer believe in at all.
Then look at the other seven beliefs you wrote down in your Top Ten and feel if they still have a pull on you. Maybe you already let them go automatically while you were breaking down your Top Three. Are they still there? Then now you know what to do.
Remember: You can and may break a belief at any time. xx Have fun!
Core beliefs: breaking down and building up structures | soundfile
Speaking from the heart
Speaking from the heart | text
Speaking from the heart is really very easy and it will probably feel totally natural to you, especially after a little practice. The exercise has two parts: one is an awareness exercise, which you will find in your workbook (worksheet number 12), followed by a practical exercise in the sound file.
Worksheet | 12
This worksheet will help you become aware of your truth, the truth that needs to be spoken.
Speaking from the heart | soundfile
This is a simple exercise to connect your heart chakra with your throat chakra, to collect your thoughts and to speak from your heart.
Integrating | text
Take at least one day to rest, to practise, to think and to process everything you have gone through. That is such a lot! Writing down what you’re experiencing speeds up the process. So make some notes, doodle a bit and integrate everything you’ve done so far.
You're doing great!
The Hook | video
The Hook | text
A large part of speaking your truth without losing the connection consists of staying detached from other people’s emotion and drama. If you hook into that, it’s not good for anyone. To be honest, the only thing you will achieve is more of the same – you will go round in circles and generally lose the connection with yourself. There are many ways in which that can happen, depending on your primary pitfall.
The Hook is simple: I need something from you, you need something from me. So I want to dominate, you want to serve. I want to care, you want someone to care for you. I want to give away my power, you want power. I want to be strong, you want to be weak. I want to mother, you want to be irresponsible. Do you see the patterns? So I throw out a line to you with a little hook and if you like the look of it, if it fits, you let it hook into you. And you throw out a hook in turn. That’s when we’re hooked into each other.
For most people this is a subconscious process. You are totally unaware that a line with a hook has been cast out and you are also unaware that you have cast one out as well. You don’t realise that you have hooked on, that the other has hooked on. And because you are unaware of that, it’s hard to break those invisible lines that keep you in a pattern of behaviours, emotions and thoughts.
You have already learned a lot about interaction with others. You can decide to not let yourself be hooked in. And to not throw out a hook of your own. That takes some practice: old habits die hard. And it requires a conscious effort on your part. But once you are aware of the hooks that have been cast and that you have cast yourself, they’re actually quite easy to sense. They pull on you. You can feel the stress of them.
And so, awareness is key here. The worksheet has questions to help you with that. The only thing you can do is: practise, practise, practise. By practising you will discover. And then you will practise more. And a little more.
Take the time to become comfortable with this, you will need it. Practise speaking from your heart, break some old structures, detach some hooks. And practise NOT being hooked, NOT casting out a hook. Write down how things are going in a couple of days. Stay aware of this and your life will be far more peaceful.
Worksheet | 13
Here is the help to discover where you are hooked. Once you know that, you can let it go. You don’t need to hold onto that, you are beyond that now!
From Hooking on to cutting of
If you’re having a hard time undoing the hooks you find, imagine that you have an enormous pair of scissors in your hand. Go for it! But seriously, you can detach the hooks in any way that suits you: By burning, chopping, dissolving in light, cutting/snipping. As long as you do so with attention and intention, it will work. The exercises in the sound file of Module 1 ‘Clearing yourself from energies that aren’t yours’ can help you with this too. Often the hook will disappear just by making the statement that you are free of the hook you found.
Integrating | text
Practising will make the difference here. You have been given a lot of new information and you need time to process it. The Mountain, remember?
Practise everything you learned in this module and stick to that for a while.
Again, I suggest that you write down what you’re going through. It will help show you what steps you’ve taken and it will help you stay in your flow.
But at the same time, take time to rest. Do things your way: consciously and deliberately YOUR way. And be free like only you know how.