Mijn persoonlijke verhaal (4) | The Search
Na The Call en The Pit (zie mijn eerdere posts) vandaag The Search. Benieuwd wat je ervan vind! ❤️
It takes a while to get out. It takes health issues, skin conditions, depression and fatigue. It takes self harm. The wish to die. I run fantasies in my mind where I go to the train station and let myself gently fall. I imagine what it would take, that final moment. Just one step forward. Why not, I think. It would all be over. So easy. But I know that’s not true. For others, it would just begin. The horror, the pain, the dealing with it. And I know, in my heart, I don’t really want that. Just like I don’t really want to die. I just want the pain to stop.
I think of letting myself fall from the stairs. I’d be in hospital. People would take care of me. Finally I’d have to do nothing. I consider these things with quite some clarity and awareness. The possibilities of hurting myself enough to not be able to do anything, without it actually getting me killed or in a wheelchair. But I’m afraid of the physical pain that would be a result. Too chicken to proceed. Or maybe just too smart.
The thing that keeps me going mostly is the wish to be a good mother for my kids. There this knowledge, deep inside, that there is a way out. I’m sure of it. I want them to have a good life. A powerful life. I want them to be safe within themselves. To know who they truly are and never feel ashamed about it. And if not for myself that I do this, then for them. I know in my soul that I am the one that has to show them how to do it. I’m their role model in this, they need me to live it as an example. It’s weird how I never thought I was worth it to fight for, yet for my kids I’d do it all. For me, I kind of rolled over and played dead. For them, I will go into the deepest dungeons of hell, fight the monsters, save the treasure and come back triumphant if it’s the last thing I do. Of course, later I found that there’s no monsters to fight, just to love the shit out of. And that the treasure was always there and never in any kind of danger. But I was a long way from that yet.
I read all the books I can find. Take courses. Listen to seminars. Get energetic healing, heart healing, soul healing. Divorce. Study every day, learn every day. I turn to the light, let myself be guided, I meditate, focus on positive thoughts, connect to nature. I refuse to be dark, refuse to be hurt, refuse to be a victim. I make decisions that are life altering. Start my own company. Write my own courses. I coach and help people, grow and help and grow and help. I let light shine through me and fill myself with good and positive things. I am so committed to this it’s almost funny in hindsight. Me, ferociously being positive and good natured. Me, desperately feeling good about myself and my life.
And then, one morning, I sit in my bed and I realize I am still not happy. After all the things I have done, the things I learned, I’m still struggling. Anxious. Stressed out. Oh there have been happy moments. So many. Moments of pure joy and bliss. Moments of peace and harmony. Moments of laughter and fun. But to say I am actually living a happy life? Nope. And all I can think is: what now?