Mijn persoonlijke verhaal (5) | A Happy Ending
Het laatste deel van mijn persoonlijke verhaal. Zo fijn hoe er meegeleefd, herkend en beleefd ❤
Ik ben benieuwd wat je ervan vindt! Laat het me rustig weten in de comments of via een appje of PB. Heel veel liefs en tot later
Restlessly I start to search the internet. Shall I do another course? Go to another healer? Try something else? Everything inside me revolts. I go on with my search. Everything I find makes me more aware of the fact that these years and years of studying and learning have certainly paid their dues. I find nothing new there. Nothing that makes my eyes go wide and my heart beat faster. Nothing that makes me hungry for more. I get annoyed. Pissed off. I feel like throwing my laptop out of the window and go to sleep and never wake up again. I want someone to help me! I want someone to tell me how!
I realize I feel like a little girl that needs an adult to show the way. I feel a certain degree of disgust for myself, acting like a kid. I don’t like me making myself so small at all. I have done so much, gone through so much, lived it all. I am not a kid. And I start to wonder: what if I already know? The thought brings up this uncomfortable feeling, like snakes in my belly. Instead of moving away from it – my initial natural response, I decide to do something new: I dive in. And I encounter this fear that I have. I realize that if I decide, now, that I know the answers in myself, I will have to find them. Somehow this scares the heck out of me.
But despite that fear I continue my search on the internet, now with different intent. No more searching for someone else who will give the answers. But focused on how to apply what I know. And I find that in 40 days you can actually integrate just about anything into your system. My interest is piqued. I wonder what it is that I would want to fully integrate into my system. What would make the difference? And in a flash of insight I realize the one thing I keep evading: it’s selflove. Because still I feel unsafe, still I feel I don’t belong, still I feel unappreciated and not acknowledged. So still all of this, it’s not inside of me. I was still searching for it on the outside. I have to acknowledge in that moment that with all the progress I had made I still had not gotten to the point where I allowed myself to be free, because I didn’t love myself enough to be free. To be real. I start to cry and know that if I want this, the only one who can do this is me. It’s all on me. The magnitude of this responsibility floods over me, leaving me in awe and amazed and scared at the same time. No-one is going to save me! It’s all on me.
And I make yet another decision. I will learn to love myself if it’s the last thing I do. This is my new life’s purpose. And with the 40 days in mind, I go out and buy a notebook. I number fourty times four pages. And I decide on a process that I will do every day for 40 days. 40 days of loving myself. Complete focus. Complete devotion. Complete will to dissolve all that is still in the way of me loving myself and being happy and free. Every morning I set my alarm an hour early. Every morning I do the work. Get to the bottom of it all. I don’t waver. I’ve had enough of that. It’s now or never.
And I do it. Despite my hectic day-to-day life where I raise two boys on my own, being solely responsible for the financial, emotional and physical wellbeing of the three of us, despite sleepless nights and busy days I do it. It changes my life in ways I can’t describe. It’s hard but so, so worth it. I break through all the walls, all the hurt, all the veils and all the pain. I find a love within myself I’ve never experienced before. And with the unveiling of this comes love for others. With allowing myself to be real I can allow others to be real. With the claiming of my space comes the allowing others their space. Life, this planet, it shines for me in a way it never has before. And it’s a light that shines through all, not just the good bits. It allows for everything to just, be. It allows for the beauty in everything. The whole range of possibilities.
I start to acknowledge my pain. My rage. Find ways to work with that without dumping it on others. I find out I haven’t really grown up at all. I’m still this unsafe kid. I find out I have this rageful ranting and raving adolescent inside of me that never felt like she belonged. I meet my young adult who never felt acknowledged or appreciated. And I grow. Become an adult. After well over 40 years of living on planet earth I finally become an adult person who takes responsibility for all the crap she created within herself. Sure, I was just a kid. Sure, I was just an adolescent, a young adult. I didn’t know any better, didn’t have the tools, didn’t have the environment to help me. But all of that didn’t matter anymore. Because I could be responsible for it now. I could help myself now. I work my ass off. Go through it all. Leave no stone unturned. And I start to remember.
Memories surface, of what I remember from before I was born. I start seeing the bigger picture. I start seeing light structures, dimensions, patterns of light. I allow myself to remember the Language of Light. Now that I dare to love myself, I dare to allow myself to be all of me. And I know that I am different. I see things others don’t see. I know things others don’t know. And for the first time, that’s okay. I dare speak of it. I dare work with it. I dare be all, of me.
Everything seems to happen at once. I build my business around this. Never losing sight of who I am again. Never living in a sub-reality again. Never abandoning myself again. And with that comes the freedom to unfold, and unfold, and unfold. And I remember more, and more, and more. All of this takes way more than those 40 days. That was just the beginning. The decision to truly learn to love myself was the opening of a new life.
After those initial 40 days, I write a book about it. It helps others to focus on selflove for 40 days, as well. To integrate it into their lives as well. I talk to one publisher, she wants it straight away. She helps me get it better and right. The second edition is being printed as I write this.
During the same period of time I create The Freedom To Fly: an online program where I teach how to become free of consensus and unveil your true self. Because I found that there are 7 main areas that need to be addressed when you want to do this, and I want the world to know. I want the world to know how. All aspects of my life come together: I am a teacher, so I know how to work with different learning styles. I speak the Language of Light, and weave that powerfully through the visualizations and meditations in The Freedom To Fly. I am a Graphic Designer so I know how to design it in a way that gets the message across. To make it beautiful and loving, too.
I help others remember. People who never felt at home now find their place. People who thought they were crazy now find their truth. People who always knew there was something else, something more, something different, find their place on this planet and thrive. My book helps hundreds of people to find their self-love. The key of all keys. It opens up doors for them, that were always meant for them. The Freedom To Fly helps dozens and dozens of people to become free, within themselves and thus outside of themselves, too. Again, with self-love as key.
And now, everything I do helps people go beyond: to remember who they truly are, to remember all aspects of themselves. To be free and so be able to create a true and happy life. To live life as the powerful reality creator that they really are. To walk with clarity upon this earth.
The Freedom To Fly has evolved from an online program to a way of life. I offer a wealth of free material through Love and Light Audio (my Podcast), Love and Light TV (my Video Chanel) and Love and Light Blog. All of this is now in Dutch, and I’m working on translating to English. People can join The Freedom To Fly for life, with or without personal guidance. I continue to grow. The Freedom To Fly continues to grow. My work continues to grow. And I will continue to help more and more people find their own unique way.
Those of us who wish to be free.